Saturday, December 19, 2009

Sting Hates You... and Maybe Christmas Too

There’s without a doubt something to admire about releasing a Christmas album composed of fifteen semi-original tracks. Unfortunately for the sad sack who finds himself taking “If on a Winter’s Night…” home this season, Christmas can only be ruined by such an endeavor. I say this not in jest and must repeat myself only for the well being of anybody reading this; purchasing this album WILL ruin Christmas.

The album opens with a haunting cover of the folk carol classic, “Gabriel’s Message.” The pairing of dark ominous synthesizers beside Sting’s dispirited vocals makes an unwelcome allusion to Italian horror film soundtracks from the 70’s, which is exactly what you’ll desire while noshing on your figgy pudding. As the album progresses, Sting finds increasingly more painful ways to drag you through his forest of physical suffering. Songs such as “The Hounds of Winter” offer a string of exceptionally cliché similes to detail the narrator’s lost love and loosely link it to the holiday season:

I walk through the day
My coat around my ears
I look for my companion
I have to dry my tears
It seems that she's gone
Leaving me too soon
I'm as dark as December
I'm as cold as the Man in the Moon.


As divine as the concept of an alternative Christmas album replacing joy with pain sounds in theory, Sting is unable to even keep his audience awake here let along engage them. It’d be nice to see a transition on par with Bob Clark’s BLACK CHRISTMAS and A CHRISTMAS STORY but instead we are given a lazy lump of Sting coal in our stockings this year. While bands such as The Cure or The Smiths might have actually tried to develop an ironically despondent tone with a dash of gloomy holiday cheer and in the least a series of indicative prose, Sting would prefer to sit in his 600-acre castle swabbing his flaccid pecker across an 8-track for fifty minutes.

Regardless of if you’re Catholic, Jewish, or Kwanzaakan, if you want something actually worth your time this season, pick up a copy of “A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector” because when he’s not beating the shit out of Lana Clarkson he truly does care about you.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Jack McBrayer Review


Hey, Jack McBrayer, you think you're funny and shit? You think it's cool to play the same lame character in every damn movie you're in? No. You're not funny. You don't make me laugh.

I really try to force myself to like 30 ROCK, it gets awards, lots of them, its regarded as our generation's best comedy, so it must be funny, right? I really come close to liking it sometimes too, until your fucking wacky-ass cartoon slapstick pierces my retinas with that stale routine of yours. You're not even attractive.

Just shut up Jack McBrayer. All I want, is for you to just shut up. I see on IMDB you're most recently credited as an actor in the upcoming sequel to CATS & DOGS. Wow, that should be good. What a life you've made for yourself Jacky-Boy... what a life.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Totally Top Ten: Things That Have Topped Too Many "Top 10's"

I've been inside a girl before, it's supposed to be really great and it surely is. As great as it is, I like Top 10 Lists more. They take everything good in my life and put a number on it with generally a minimum of 50% accuracy.

After spending the last 72 hours on the internet looking at Top 10's as usual, I became sick AND tired simultaneously at the repetitiveness in every Top 10 List across the spectrum of existence. As it seems, there is a standard for things that are simply better than other things. I acknowledge this and would go as far as to say I indeed agree; my problem is that this fact of nature has compromised one of my favorite entities in life and is putting a definite lifespan on the thing I love most. I sweat over a day when I'll wake up to find every thing in the world that is actually good has been pinned to a list of some sort.

To combat this, I am pulling myself out of the making of lists compiling the "Top Ten Best" of things. So what? Now you're gonna make the "Top Ten WORST" things? No stupid, that would be clique. I am however beginning a series of lists that capture "Top Tens for Alternative Reasons." Basically capturing anything that is good for any reason other than it being "good."

With that being said, I present to you my final Totally Top Ten... The Top Ten Things That Have Topped Too Many "Top 10's..."

10. Super Mario Bros. 3 (Top 10 NES Games)



Because it's profoundly good.








9. Jerry Rice (Top 10 NFL Wide Receivers)



Because he's profoundly good.








8. Look At Internet Porn/Facebook (Top 10 Things To Do Online)




Because they're profoundly good.








7. Seinfeld (Top 10 Television Sitcoms)




Because it's profoundly good.







6. Miley Cyrus (Top 10 Hottest Disney Channel Girls)



Because she's profoundly good.








5. Utahraptor (Top 10 Most Dangerous Dinosaurs)





Because it's profoundly good.







4. Pizza (Top 10 Most Delicious Foods)




Because it's profoundly good.




3. Jennifer Lopez (Top 10 Asses)



Because it's profoundly good.








2. Abbey Road (Top 10 Albums of All Time)



Because it's profoundly good.








1. Citizen Kane (Top 10 Films of All Time)




Because it's profoundly good.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Thoughts on Blackest Night and How Zombies Bring Out the Human in All of Us


Zombies are all the rage in the entertainment world. And it seems that there is nothing stopping the undead from becoming even more of a media phenomenon after the success of Zombieland, Left 4 Dead, The Walking Dead, and any and all other forms of media they have infected. People just love zombies, fact.

Now I have written plenty on how Blackest Night is not only a legitimate way for zombies to be in the DC Universe, but its also one hell of a story that encompasses decades upon decades, dating back to Alan Moore's early work on Green Lantern, of canon and prophecy that is paying off in a natural and fantastic way. Sadly I fear many will see this zombie tale much as they see other zombie stories as; corny, campy, gory, unjustified, and meaningless. But the lifeless truly have so much more to offer us.

In Romero's early work, Night of the Living Dead, the story wasn't about the dead rising, it was about how people became savages, capable of horrifying decisions that will ultimately lead to their own and other's demise. But like I said, most see it as a fun zombie movie to watch with your girlfriend so she can hold you tight.

Much like Battlestar Galactica used science fiction to highlight human will and resilience, zombies have a way of using the fantastical to bring out the factual. With Blackest Night, the heroes, villains, and civilians of the DC Universe are confronted with those who have died but still have emotional attachments to them. Dick Grayson sees the return of the Flying Graysons, Sinestro sees the rise of Abin Sur, Mera of Atlantis watches her husband Aquaman crawl form his grave, and the Flash and Green Lantern battle the resurrected Martian Manhunter.

On the outside, this sounds like a fanboy's wet dream. Zombies, heroes, villains, zombie heroes, and zombie villains. And more often then not the dead heroes are much more badass then they ever were living - thanks to Geoff Johns. Yet, beyond the flashy fight scenes and the sweeps splash pages lies a deeper theme, one that forever will ground all of the characters in a very human and real way. When each character is confronted with one of the risen dead whom they have an emotional attachment to, they are reminded of the hardships, the tragedies, and the mistakes in their lives. Each and every character has something to repent for, something that has and always will put a blemish on their record, and the Black Lanterns are unflinching in their convictions.

Each and every character's flaws are brought to the foreground, bringing a very human quality to them. All of us are flawed and that is what makes us human, and interesting. No one is perfect. Not Superman, not Wonder Woman, not The Flash, and certainly not Hal Jordan. I truly commend Geoff Johns on this. In one fell swoop he has modernized and humanized the entirety of the DC Universe, in an entertaining and horrifying way. Heroes are not always saving everyone, sometimes they cause more harm then good, and the Black Lanterns do not believe that the ends justify the means. They tap into the emotional spectrum and prey on the guilty and those who refuse to believe they are. Which is basically everybody.

Once this is collected, buy it. It is a game changer and a new beginning of sorts. Hopefully it stays this good. But don't start reading it now, because waiting the months in between issues is fucking awful.

Quirk Classic 3: Title Announcement

This morning, Philadelphia-based independent publisher "Quirk Books" has announced the title of their third book to be released under their subdivision "Quirk Classics," and if you're like most people, this all means nothing to you.

Quirk Classics is run by a man named Jason Rekulak who might have found the easiest, cheapest, and most commercial secret to novel writing I've ever heard of. Rekulak utilizes the expansive archives of public domain libraries to find royalty-free classics to edit and re-release with a silly twist; he adds popular fanboy characters into the narrative such as ninjas, pirates, zombies, and monkeys.

You might've heard of his first release this year, "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies," as it found itself a number 3 spot on the New York Times bestseller list as well as rave reviews in nearly every other medium of book review across the country. While the text is familiar, the concept is purely original. Seth Grahame-Smith's zombie plot weaves seamlessly into Austen's classic narrative and the end result is a mashup that quenches our entertainment bone while stimulating our intellect as well. This mashup might also represent the only hope for younger generations to ever read a classic title such as this.

While I couldn't be happier with the knowledge of this book existing and finding a myriad of well deserved profit, I was disheartened to see a second Quirk Classic in the makes 2 months later, "Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters." Stop it Quirk Books, just stop it. You just made something really good and made a shit load of money and now you can't stop. Sea Monsters aren't even that popular of a fictional character. There's no Sea Monster jokes. There's no Sea Monster television shows. There's no reason for this to exist.

Before I could even digest the Sea Monsters I found on their website, a bulletin popped up for book 3, "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls." This is going too far, at this rate we're sure to see a mashup of almost every public domain classic in existence before 2012. Why are they already making a sequel to the first book? Did they run out of ideas for fan favorite mashups or did the Sea Monster idea generate such insignificant sales that they didn't have a choice? Hell, why am I writing this blog? I could be making my own Quirk Classic! Are you still reading this? Stop! Write a Quirk Classic with me, it's easy...


Step 1: Find a public domain book on the internet you like. Oh goody, "Crime and Punishment," my favorite.

Step 2: Copy and paste the entire text into a text editing program. I'll be using Microsoft Word for this experiment.

Step 3: Pick a popular and overused character genre that you enjoy. Hmmm... of course, PIRATES! Everybody likes pirates because they are funny and cool.

Step 4: (You're almost done), fuse the title of the book you chose with your character genre. Here's mine, "Crime and Punishment and Pirates."

Step 5: Now it's time for the easy part; paste your genre name over at least 50% of the nouns in the original text and if you're a stickler- you could even change the plot a little to follow whatever character you chose.

Step 6: Make money. You did it! Look how funny your title is! See? Now reap the profits you greedy fuck and sunbathe in Malibu while Fyodor Dostoyevsky rots in his dirty Russian grave.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan Review


With Battlestar Galactica over, there has been a large hole in my heart. It truly was one of the best shows, reinterpretation, and sci fi story EVER. I'm obsessed with Lost but Battlestar Galactica is the only show that threatened it for the majority of my heart. Only the slumps and bad episodes later in the series brought it to second place. Either way, it was amazing, and if you are a sci fi fan, you must see this show. Four seasons long, it bowed out when it was good, knowing not to milk it, which I love and hate at the same time.

At the beginning of the year when the show aired its final episode, it was released that The Plan would be coming out later in the year which was just the other day. I was happy to know that more Battlestar would be coming eventually even if it was only in the form of this straight to DVD release.

I just finished watching it and thought it really was fantastic. Directed by Edward James Olmos, The Plan is an exclusive look at what the Cylons were doing/planning throughout the series starting from the attack on the 12 colonies. It was impossible for this to be shown, let alone conceived since slowly throughout the series the 12 Cylon models were revealed to us. But now that we know who all 12 are, it was interesting to see how they all fit into the "plan".

The star of the show is Dean Stockwell of Quantum Leap fame, though his work on Battlestar was always fantastic. Most if not all of the Cylon models are featured in the dvd apart from the 3's played by Lucy Lawless, probably due to her stardom/cost. Anyway, it leaves room for others like Simon to be expanded upon so much more than ever in the series. Leoben's obsession with Starbuck is given an origin and Boomer's new additions to her story fit seamlessly into the canon of the show.

In only an hour and forty some odd minutes, The Plan wraps the entire series up in one cohesive, eye-opening, and entertaining addition to Battlestar Galactica's canon. And now with the last of Battlestar finally explained, I am heavy at heart. The ending credits featured an alternate version of the opening theme that was a lament for the colonies and our Galactica friends. It truly is a heartbreaking song that will evoke emotion in any diehard Galactica fan. I downloaded it right afterwards and sat while reminiscing about an amazing series.

Listen to me, if you like science fiction, real and human, Battlestar Galactica is one of the best ever. Like all shows it had its ups and downs but I never have been affected by a show like I was with Battlestar. I loved the characters, I loved the series, and I loved the ship. I know I will never look at science fiction again. Its that good. I will always miss it.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Green Lantern Casting Rumors and Thoughts


I didn’t really have much faith, and still struggle a bit, with the idea of a Green Lantern movie. Of course I want it to happen and I hope it will be as great as it could be, but something inside of me knows that it is a massive undertaking that is going to be a challenge.


Not only is it a superhero movie, but its also a sci fi movie. Its massive in its scope and touching in its humanity. It will require half the film to be CG and the other half to be prosthetics or animatronics. I think it treated with care and respect, a Green Lantern movie has the potential to be the great defining film of the DC Universe that the JLA movie was trying to be. Green Lanterns are cops that police the DCU and often feature many of DC’s hero stable. So this really opens up opportunities for DC to create the franchise mosaic that Marvel is doing for the Avengers.


Even with Ryan Renolds as Hal Jordan, I feel somewhat hesitant to believe that this film will be good. I like Ryan and I think he is a great pick but I just think that he could also bring a campy sort of humor that will sink such a serious and dark character and series.


Alas, some of my faith has been restored with the rumor of Jackie Earle Haley being cast as Sinestro. Jackie brings a level of credibility that I think could take the film to the right level. He can be dark, calculating, and smart all while keeping it inside. I think he would be perfect for Sinestro that will eventually turn into the main villain of the series. He even somewhat looks the part. The only thing is that he is really short and Sinestro is supposed to be tall. Whatever. I originally was thinking of someone like Danial Day-Lewis or Hugo Weaving but they are a stretch I think.


The other piece of news is that the film is looking to draw mostly from Secret Origin, Geoff Johns’ retelling of Hal Jordan’s earliest adventure which completely reshapes the GL mythos and sets the stage for Blackest Night. If they do this, Green Lantern has the potential to be my favorite comic book movie. The story is perfect by itself but it leaves the door open for a dark future.


Oh yeah, and one other thing. It is rumored that Superman makes a cameo which is fucking awesome. That is the thing that DC’s films lack. Unity. Hopefully Green Lantern can bring them together.

Where The Wild Things Are Review


Since the first trailer came out way back when, I have been psyched about Where The Wild Things Are. Something about it reminded me of those movies when you were younger that were magical and adventurous and fun. I really thought Where The Wild Things Are was going to be something like that, mixed with modern special effects and great direction. But when I saw it the other night, I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t.


Where The Wild Things Are is not a kid’s movie at all. I heard one little kid in the back of the theater that didn’t seem very happy and that was it. The rest of the audience was 20’s - 40’s. And we all loved it, all 24 of us.


I don’t really want to ruin anything for anyone who has yet to see this inspiring film, so I’ll skate around the details but Spike Jonze has created a touching and innocent film that is for the young kid in all of us. Honestly I don’t think kids will even get the movie let alone sit through it without being scared.


Max is a confused kid, looking for friends and fun. One night of poor judgment sends Max running off into the woods where he finds a boat that takes him across the sea to his metaphoric journey. Max finds in the wild things – played wonderfully by the likes of James Gandolfini, Forest Whitaker, Catherine O’Hara, and Chris Cooper to name a few – pieces of himself. The happy, the sad, the angry, and the lonely. They are looking for something just as much as he is but they are too confused to know what it is. Instead rough fun and building forts is exchanged for frustration and sadness.


The visuals, the costumes, the scenery, and the special effects are absolutely gorgeous. It blends so completely that everything feels authentic and right. Not once did I say that looks fake. I was always in the world of the film and I never wanted me or Max to leave.


The dialogue and the humor are all childish but not in the sense that you might think. It isn’t childish humor, it is childish meaning they sound like kids. They are gullible, naive, testy, and quick to forgive. This hits home for all adults who can look back in retrospect and see in the wild things parts of themselves. We can see how trivia the things were thought were so important or upsetting. We are the wild things and they are Max and watching them have fun brings back all the nostalgic feelings of innocent childhood anyone could ever hope for.


I loved this film, but not for the reasons I thought I would. I love it because it made me a kid again. It that 100 minutes I had fun, I cried, I laughed, and I made friends. For that it what childhood is all about, having fun with friends. You’ll laugh and have fun and when things go wrong you are quick to forgive.


If you liked being a kid, go see this movie. If not, you probably don’t have a heart.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Batman & Superman: The Dark Side In Both

Superman is a sissy some say.

Batman is a...well...honestly I don't know what Batman haters say about Batman. But they're out there...somewhere, quivering in the shadows with their Dare Devil comic and a cardboard cutout of Ben Affleck.

People watch the Richard Donner Superman film today and they think that version of Superman is nothing but a goofy goody-goody and that Bryan Singer's rejuvenation of that franchise nothing but a lame, boring same-old, same-old version with no real depth. People who think this couldn't be more mistaken, however. Richard Donner and Singer are both extremely subtle in the way they explore Superman's humanity, far too subtle for mainstream moviegoers to give them any credit. It's easy to see Superman as a giant, flawless boyscout with no depth or intrigue and it's for a very simple, unrealized reason; he looks like this:
















He says things like "Truth, Justice, and The American Way!" He never lies. His alter ego is a buffoon in arrested development continually pining for a woman he doesn't have the balls to get. Metropolis is a gorgeous city, shining and bright and its champion represents what is the best in us. On a very basic level, the colorful nature of Superman, his films, and his tale permits people to not take it very seriously and see it as nothing more than wish fulfillment and thoughtless entertainment.

Then there's Batman. It's very easy to take someone seriously when they look like this:





















People associate the color black with "cool". The Gothic nature of Batman hearkens back to writers like Poe who explore the torment of the human mind and heart. Gothic imagery isn't subtle in the least. It gets right to the point and you don't have to really dig too deeply into the dark knight to see that he's pretty messed up and interesting. This is one simple reason why people identify more with Batman. His imagery is directly related to the dark psychosis in all of us and the psychosis that the story is attempting to explore. In Superman there is a disconnect between the imagery and the psychosis (which is not a bad thing necessarily, if anything it's very interesting and unique, but it's difficult for everyone to realize this and appreciate it). Batman is constructed in such a way, from his cape and cowl to his city and his rogues gallery, to very easily and simply tap into the exploration of the soul. Batman's alter ego is also much more enjoyable to watch than Clark Kent. Bruce Wayne shows us that we can get the girl, in fact that we can get any girl if we set our mind to it (but he also shows us that this is a meaningless pursuit that simply distracts us from the pain in our minds). On a basic, entertainment value level it's 100% fun to live vicariously through the character of Bruce Wayne/Batman. No one wants to live vicariously through Clark Kent, however, and that's another reason for the character's recent public fallout.

Wayne is an example of how we put on a front in public, how we have two sides. What makes Wayne that much more interesting than other comic book protagonists is that he's actually three-sided, something Kent is not. But this is only the way things are because Kent has not been adequately explored or portrayed with the intelligence and intensity of Bruce Wayne on-screen. And again, the imagery and the very nature of the character doesn't really permit it.

With Superman it's much more of a challenge, which, oddly enough, makes him a potentially more interesting and powerful character. Now I'm partial to The Batman, he's my favorite, but I've often wondered what I'd do with Superman in a film or a comic, how I'd showcase everything I love about him but also explore areas of his psychosis that have yet to be overtly shown to a modern film going audience. People like their heroes flawed these days and they need those flaws to be apparent. Hence why Batman is and will forever be so popular. The main reason for The Dark Knight's success is Heath Ledger's Joker, whom the audience is actually more inclined to root for than the Batman precisely because of how flawed and interesting he is. Modern audiences can't watch Christopher Reeves screaming with Lois in his arms or Brandon Routh staring at Louis through a wall or talking to her on a rooftop or looking down on earth and immediately get that it's character development. They can't see Superman look into the camera and smile and think anything but: That's so gay. They don't get that in that smile is something truly beautiful, human, and what comics and movies and entertainment are all about.

Now I believe one can go even deeper than the obvious with Batman and explore realms of depth beneath the apparent depth. There are the simple questions revolving around the world's greatest detective such as "Is he doing it for justice or revenge?", "Is he the cause of what he's trying to destroy" and so on. I argue that there is even more than that, that Batman has yet to be fully explored on-screen as he deserves to be and that if done properly could trounce any modern anti-hero.

With Superman, if one is to take him seriously and do him justice, there are also obvious questions at hand that the Donner and Singer films deal with in subtle fashion such as "He is a living God, what does that mean for us?" "What does his one weakness signify thematically" and so on. There's so much more, however, that one can gleam from these films but it takes effort, effort today's world is too stupid to perform. Also, society bashing aside, I feel Superman's psyche deserves to be overtly explored. I want to see more than him pondering. I want to hear him speak. I want action.

Superman is a living God, yes, and asking what that means for "us" is interesting. But it's much more interesting to ask what that means for Superman. He is an alien living amongst us. He is an outsider. Explore in the film how this makes him feel, what it means, and whether or not he actually wants this status of divine savior. Show us, as Superman stares down on this world, able to "hear everything" that it drives him insane that these weak little humans can take care of nothing for themselves, that they need him to save them again and again and again, that they've actually given up altogether because they know, no matter what, Superman will always be there. Explore how his strength, his power is an absolute curse that makes it impossible for him to relate to others. Explore what Quentin Tarentino very cleverly observed in Kill Bill, how Clark Kent is a critique of humanity. Show us the consequences of Superman's strength and power, how smashing through city walls isn't actually practical or helpful, that some of the citizens of Metropolis don't like the idea of some omnipotent, omnipresent alien floating around in the night sky. Explore that Superman knows he could take over the world if he saw fit, that he exists in a state of perpetual unrest, that there is never a moment where he can relax, enjoy life for himself. Explore what it means that a small, seemingly insignificant rock can bring down a god, and what it means that a piece of Superman's home, a piece of his past is what can destroy him. Explore a human Christ figure who is tired of being crucified night after night and that wants something for himself. And then...finally, show us that he learns, that he grows, that he changes, and understands the value of sacrifice.

Give us a villain that tests these weaknesses, that pokes and prods his unshakable nature. In this dynamic one can have a philosophical discourse about more than just a God's psychology, how that God's strength is nothing but a weakness that alienates him from others, but also a discourse on society, the way people relate to heroes, venerate celebrities and government officials to a God-like, infallible status. Explore what happens when we place our faith completely in a god.

This, and much more, exists in Superman and hopefully, one day, we'll see it on-screen.

People who love this character either love him for the above stated reasons as well as his strength and powers and the wish fulfillment inherent in all comic adventures. Or people love him simply because of the powers.

People who hate him, hate him because of the unexplored version of the character that all know so well, a flawless do-gooder whom they could never be. If this is all Superman is to you then he's impossible to like. He represents what you cannot have under any circumstances. This is why we have to make Superman's flaws apparent. We have to make it so that people don't scoff when they hear a little green rock is his only weakness.

The reason I love Batman and why I feel most people, and modern society prefers him, apart from the cooler imagery and better set of villains, is that Batman represents the attainable. Batman represents the pain that we have. Batman represents the person that we are. He is, in many ways, the worst in us.

Superman represents what we should be. He represents the absolute best in us, what we should aspire to become, but ultimately never will. Because we can't fly. We can't punch through walls. Superman reminds us of inability and failure, where as Batman tells us that suffering is normal and that if we work hard enough, by the means of our own ability we can make things better.

This dynamic would be wonderful to explore in a film at the same time but I fear a Batman/Superman movie would resort to one too many fanboy gimmicks. However, this is a dynamic that needs to change somewhat if the man of steel is to be taken seriously in today's world.

Let's look at Superman like this, the way he really is, and see what happens:

Friday, September 25, 2009

Flashforward Thoughts/Review


First off, I'm a frickin nerd.

I love disaster movies, I love sci fi twists, I love super heroes, and I love candy. So when I saw that there is this new show called Flashforward coming to ABC, my interest was piqued. With my favorite show of off time, LOST, ending next year, I'm going to need something even remotely like that to keep me going in life as I look for a job and pick cheese doodle dust out of my chest hair whilst relaxing on the couch in the same sweat pants I've worn three days in a row. I had high hopes for the show that seemed like it had a lot of potential.

With that said, I liked the pilot "No More Good Days". It was entertaining, mysterious, fun, and blue. I mean that, there was a blue tint to the entire show. The effects were great, the holy sh*t moments pitch perfect, and the cinematography dead on. The acting was great and I love to see Sonya Walger aka Penny in Lost any day of the week. I thought the baiting gimmicks were disguised nicely and the show has left me curious to know more. But something was off, it took me a second to see it, but I couldn't help but feel like the network was treating me like a baby.

A professor of mine Mike Atkinson and I spoke of Lost once and he said, "It will never happen again. The show is a fluke, a good one, but it will never happen again." I tend to agree with him on this due to the fact that Lost was the first of its kind. A sci fi masked as a prime time drama. Even before the show started there was a huge cult following and I think JJ Abrams can direct better than David Goyer. Blade Trinity ringing a bell here?

ABC is trying to artificially create another Lost with hints to mysteries and online interaction. This just comes off as cheap to me. I got into Lost because of the story, the characters, the acting, and the directing. Flashforward went to commercial and all the strange little hints were brought up by the voice over guy telling us to go to the official website for more clues and answers. I went to said website where I found David Goyer and Brannon Braga talking about these things we "may have missed". I didn't fucking miss anything! I felt degraded. They didn't even give any answers besides what episodes might give us some answers. Lost just let it ride, and let the audience figure things out for themselves.

There was a kangaroo in the episode. Just walking the streets of LA after the blackout. I thought it was a cool little quirky thing but during the commercial I was told to go online and find out more about it. I did and David Goyer said that there is a back story to it that will pan in throughout the season. Like the episode "What Kate Did" it will be like "What the Kangaroo Did". I'm finished with that thought there because there is nothing more to say.

With Dominic Monaghan and Sonya Walger in the show, its almost like ABC is trying to trick people into thinking that this is the next Lost. There is even an Oceanic Airlines billboard at one point. I say, just let the show be a show. If it gets the same kind of following then good for it, it means its a good show. If it doesn't, let it go. They are trying too hard and its obvious.

They say, imitation is the highest form of flattery. In this case, it isn't. I liked the show, but I don't like what they are trying to do. I just hope they calm down in the episodes to come.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Is A New Battlestar Galactica Necessary?

Just a few months ago, we saw the end to the critically acclaimed re-imagining that was the newly renamed network Syfy's Battlestar Galactica. Albeit the show had its few ups and downs, more of them being later on in the show's life, yet I still very much enjoyed it if not being borderline obsessed with it. I started watching during a time where my computer was inoperable due to the fact that my power cord had burnt out which left me with my slow internet on my PS3. I found some random chinese site where I could watch the entire series in a two week span and I fell in love. Sad but very true...


When the show was over we were told there would be a new and completely unnecessary series set decades before BSG called Caprica. Also it was released that "The Plan" would be coming out depicting what the Cylon's were doing while we followed Galactica and company. Of course I loved this news but I knew that the show had run its course and they were trying to milk the success of the series as long as possible. In between I even found time to watch all 20 something episodes of the original show which were fun but awful. AFWUL.

Anyway, now there is all this news about Bryan Singer directing a new Battlestar Galactica movie based on the original series. And me, being a huge Battlestar, am left asking why?

First off, the new series was a complete re-imagining that utilized a lot of the Glen Larson's original notes of things he would have changed on his original story: more women, more character driven stories, no Muffit. The new series surpassed the original and did so with flying colors, so I'm at a loss to see how the studios thought it would be a good idea to re-imagine and already re-imagined story from an already flawed concept. It's preposterous. Really, it gets me angry and frustrated.

I like Bryan Singer but even he can't cram all of the massive mythos of Battlestar into one movie. And if they make a franchise, I'm going to throw up. Its redundant, unnecessary, and quite frankly ignorant of Ron Moore's Battlestar Galactica. If I were Ron I would be pissed.

Hollywood, listen to me, let things go. No more Terminator, Rocky, Rambo, Indiana Jones, Star Trek, Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, Spider-man, or any other movie franchises that made you money. Think of something new before I lose all respect for you.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Blackest Night Cometh!


For the past decade almost, Geoff Johns has been crafting what I believe will be one of the greatest comic book runs of all time. Through the years he has built story after story, carefully pacing himself and giving us hints of what is to come. First it was the Sinestro Corps War then came the Rage of the Red Lanterns which was eclipsed by the Sins of the Star Saphires and eventually came Agent Orange and the War of Light. Yet all has been leading to this point.

BLACKEST NIGHT.

The first issue of this blockbuster event hit stores today with its companion piece TALES OF THE CORPS. And I must say that Johns is gearing up for something special.

The concept is simples. Red, Yellow, Blue, Orange and Violet Lantern Corps have emerged with the Green Lanterns at the center of it all. War ravages the universe but a new threat has emerged. I can almost hear the buzzing fly-ish sound the Black Rings fly through space with. But get close enough and you realize they as saying flesh. The Black Lanterns have come to raise those dead in the DC Universe which includes some powerful peeps if I do say so myself.

This story really has so much potential to be awesome! And with the first issues as good as they are, my hopes are pretty frickin' high. I mean, zombie superheroes in the already fantastic Green Lantern saga? What more could you ask for?

Johns pacing is impeccable giving the book a very cinematic feel. It builds with revelations and shocking moments in between the beautiful splash pages. And Johns has crept a very tangible layer of horror into this superhero tale, which is excitingly new and fresh. Ivan Reis' pencils are dare I say some of the best in his career. The rotten and twisted faces and bodies of the Black Lanterns are terrifying to behold and the gore is unprecedented in DC history.

Alas, we must wait until next month for the story to continue but at fortunately DC is providing us with three Green Lantern books before then so I don't go completely insane. Sounds off with your thoughts or critiques.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

A Change In Dynamic


So Batman is dead. Or presumably dead, lost in time or something that only Grant Morrison and Dan DiDio know. We all know that one day he is coming back - I've got my money on GREEN LANTERN "BLACKEST NIGHT" saga coming soon. But in the meantime, the Bat-family is left picking up the pieces of the Dark Knight's legacy while barely holding itself together.

The post isn't a critique or anything, I just want to comment on the way things have unfolded while keeping those non-comic fans out there that read this up to date. So now Nightwing aka Dick Grayson has taken on the mantle of the bat after the high profile arc BATTLE FOR THE COWL which was somewhat of a disappointment and an achievement. The interesting thing is how Dick, Tim Drake aka Robin, and Damian Wayne - Talia Al Ghul and Bruce's son have dealt with the loss of their leader.

Nightwing has gone the quiet route. While trying to keep Gotham's underbelly at bay, he slowly battles his inner demons not ready to take up the cowl and not sure if any one should. Dick's arc is probably the most interesting because apart from Alfred, Dick was with Bruce the longest. Bruce even adopted him eventually further solidifying their relationship as father and son. Where Tim knew that someone must be Batman for Gotham's sake, Dick knew that none of them could live up to Bruce and his legacy.

With Dick finally donning the cowl, Damian has taken over as Robin. I have never cared much for Damian due to his cocky, rash behavior, but seeing Dick trying to teach the boy and keep order in the house of Wayne is very interesting. Damian believes that he should be Batman since it was his father who died, but Dick, Tim and readers alike know he isn't ready. I am so happy that Grant Morrison and Frank Quietly's new BATMAN AND ROBIN series is set in modern times with the quirky retro spin. Plus, Quietly made Damian ugly as sin which is funny. I am very excited to see how Damian and Dick fare as the new Dynamic Duo.

Then there is Tim. Tim is in denial. He was always the detective, being the only one to figure out Bruce's secret through his intellect. Tim believes that Bruce is still alive out there and has left the cave to search. I am happy DC has given Tim his own series in Red Robin. It is darker and more driven than most of the DC's material and could be a fun romp around the globe. Plus, they now have incorporated Red Robin into the DC canon besides the quick Jason Todd stint. This tainted image gives Tim a little more breathing room in terms of what he will do to get the answers he wants.

Finally, there is Alfred. There is a quick scene in Batman #687 in which the Justice League comes to the cave to talk about who will take up the cowl. Someone asks is Alfred is okay to which he replies, "No. I am not alright. My son has just died." Out of context it does not have the same weight but in the scene, it was powerful as shit. Alfred is not an old man in a house with young people trying to do their best. But their best may never be good enough.

DC, this new dynamic is fantastic. Just don't mess it up.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Ideas for WILD HOGS 2: BACHELOR RIDE

While many consider VAN WILDER to be Walt Becker's definitive masterpiece, it is in fact WILD HOGS that gives Becker his right-to-brag. With 2011 just around the corner, its time to start thinking about WILD HOGS 2.

WHAT "WILD HOGS 2: BACHELOR RIDE" NEEDS TO BE A SUITABLE SEQUEL
-Clearer depiction of Cincinnati lifestyle.
-Updated Harley Davidson Models, (preferably 2011 releases).
-Revival of John McGinley as the completely non-offensive gay and stupid policeman.
-Tone down sexual content and violence for potential PG rating.
-Bigger production budget, (300 Mill-ish).
-Hilarious 5th Middle-Aged Biker to join Allen, Travolta, Lawrence, and Macy.
-More awesome bike stunts
-Better graphics on CGI Ray Liotta during fight scenes.
-Funny faux bike gang TV spots during closing credits.
-Less backstory on Doug and and Bobby.
-At least sixteen neat misadventures involving bikes.
-Higher ratio of slapstick to dialogue.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Kojima Production: "Next"

After an entire afternoon of watching the countdown clock on Kojima's New Project Teaser site, finally the wait is over. The site was launched a little while back with the source code embedded with clues to a new Metal Gear Solid game; keywords being Next, Metal Gear, Game.

Now listen, I have a beard to this day because Snake had a beard in Metal Gear Solid 2. I am a die hard fan of the critically acclaimed series, buying each system that it has graced its presence on. When any news of MGS comes my way I get an immediate erection and must proceed to sneak around the neighborhood, knocking on walls and breaking necks all while donning a bandanna. That sounded terrible...
Anyway, the site didn't change much until after a few seconds after the countdown where it revealed an image of Big Boss. He is younger which leads me to believe that the game will be a sequel to Portable Ops which came out for the PSP and was one of the best in the series, seriously. But with much digging I found the same picture of Big Boss in a magazine from China which also boasts a bad ass pic of Raiden wearing his futuristic armor but with an eye patch as well. Could there be two new games coming? One a sequel to Portable Ops and one a sequel to MGS4? That would fucking rock. I was really banking on them remaking the original Metal Gear games but the pic of Big Boss solidified that he is too young for that to be the deal.

Oh well, I'm just happy there is more Metal Gear coming my way. I have to grow my mullet now.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Activator (for use with the Sega Genesis)


Canto 1: What I thought (or: The Sheer Folly of the Undeveloped Mind)

Being only a cherub of around 6 years old when this was first advertised, my youthful imagination reconfigured what I saw on commercials and in old school Game Pro ads into a mythical product that would allow its user full freedom of movement and inventiveness. This octagonal haven contained martial arts masters roundhouse kicking their way to victory. I assumed that whatever moves one performed within the designated space would then be carried out by the sprites on screen. It would be full on video puppetry. “Holy shit, I could make Shinobi sweep kick and rip out an enemy’s heart if I so desired! Cool Spot could flip off The Man and go work for coca-cola! Axe Battler could take a well deserved nap after a morning rife with cartoon viewing!” This was actually what I thought.

Canto 2: What it was: (or: I'm a Stupid Kid)

A fucking impossible to use controller. What I learned after my spoiled self got my grandmother to purchase this for my birthday was that no, I couldn’t alter pre-programmed animations by tangoing within its slick barriers. Sega’s goddamn travesty used infrared signals on 8 sensors, so if you wave your hand over the “A” sensor, it was as if A had been hit on a normal controller. Want to use your magic in Golden Axe? Wave your hand over that sensor. Going diagonal required using two arms waggling. Or punching! Now I understood. Fucking martial arts made it look awesome, but the reality was a ridiculous aerobic system that rendered all games unplayable. I had assumed this was motion capture pre….motion capture. I was also 6. And on mescaline.

Canto 3: What happened (or: 117 more and I Equal Ezra Pound)

Realizing after 2 minutes that all preconceived notions about the potential of this product had been nothing but vicious lies, I renounced Catholicism and kindly asked my parents to return the device back to the depths of hell from whence it came (also the home town of Beelzebub, my new Dark Lord). I had adulterous thoughts of the Atari Lynx, but Bonk just didn’t appeal to me enough for more than a one night stand. And I think he was 5, too old for me. Luckily the Sega CD and 32x were on the horizon, and history will show that they delivered on all fronts. Thank you Sega, for taking me on such a mega drive.

Canto 4: Post-Script (OR: CAPS LOCK!)
While waiting to return the nefarious machine I still made use of it, managing to fully beat Eternal Champions by simply tapping two of the sensors while on my knees. I beat the whole fucking game like that. Dedication + lousy programming = fulfilling childhood.

The instructional video packed with the heathen ring:
http://ovablastic.blogspot.com/2008/04/sega-activator-ring-instructional-video.html

Demand for "LEGO: The Movie"

Fact: LEGO's are great.

Fact: Movies are great.

Fact: Great + Great = Greater

Fact: Greater > Great

It's a foolish man who says, "everything can't be a movie."

If you are amongst the 18% of the population who support FOX Searchlight's attempted acquisitions of "LEGO: The Movie," kindly state your case below.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Totally Top Ten: Famous Bears

Ah yes, bears, the ever so respected Ursidae family...

Originally hailed as mammals of distinct worship by the Chinese and Ainu cultures, Bears have had few difficulties finding their way into American pop culture. Whether it be amongst the subculture of heavy-set gay/bisexual men with hairy bodies and facial hair or within books, comics, poems, movies, TV programs, and video games, bears have found a home in our entertainment world and they are here to stay. The following list is a tribute to ten very special bears who have achieved an unmatched celebrity status in the bear kingdom of American arts.


10. FOZZIE BEAR

It's time to play the music. It's time to light the lights. It's time to move your green frog prostate Kermit, its the motherfucking Fozzie Bear show TONIGHT! This striving failed comedian has seen the worst side of rock-bottom and now he's earned himself a spot on our list for his resistance to rotten tomatoes, his ability to keep his head up high through the heckling and of course, for implanting that incessant, "Wokka, Wokka, Wokka," into the very core of our souls.

Don't want him on the list? How about you try saying that to Mr. T and maybe he'll show you the Fozzie tattoo on his left bicep fool! Yes, I'm serious.


9. WINNIE-THE-POOH

While Fozzie Bear achieved cult fame status in his costarring role on The Muppet Show, it was Winnie-The-Pooh who broke down the dark walls of bear-oppression and made the big leap into starring roles with his 1960 debut appearance on NBC's "The Shirley Temple Show."

From his sick and obsessive glutton-fueled honey worship to the conflicted sinful lives of his botched up friends, (the E-popping, highly irresponsible Tigger the Tiger, Rabbit the obsessive compulsive, and his depressed waste of life buddy Eeyore), it is with great integrity that Edward Pooh finds his way into the shoes of our ninth most famous bear.


8. THE BERENSTAIN BEARS

If you're one of the 46 people on this planet who weren't raised reading Stan and Jan Berenstain's series of children books, "The Berenstain Bears," then you are probably dead or have it coming. This anthropomorphic family of bears taught us every life lesson we would need in our adult lives within the ease of 17-21 pages; beat that "The Bible!"

Complete with an abusive Papa Bear, sandwich-making Mama, slutty love interest Skanky Bear, and the borderline child-molester Professor Actual Factual Bear, this is a series that only can get better as you put on the years.


7. BANJO

While the NES and SNES did offer several games where users could take on the role of a bear, our adventures were never able to stem further than "Super Care Bear Island: Legend of the Shiny Star."

In 1998, Rare Ltd. changed the world of gaming as we knew it by releasing the first unlicensed original playable bear in a video game ever for the Nintendo 64, "Banjo-Kazooie." This epic 3D platform/adventure let gamers take on the role of Banjo, a brown honey bear in jean shorts, constantly toting a backpack containing his best friend Kazooie, a large Red-Crested Breegull. Now finding itself with four highly acclaimed sequels under its belt within the last 11 years, it is clear Banjo has built itself a weighty franchise that will have us fighting Gruntilda Winkybunion to our own graves long before this ursina empire sees anything close to an ending.


6. COCA-COLA POLAR BEARS


There's nothing more refreshing than a Coke. I say this with an heir of confidence in the statement, knowing it is one of the most honest things I will ever go on to say. Ask me 16 years ago though, I may have had a different answer...

The year was 1993 and Coca-Cola was in trouble. With the release of their '91-'92 ad campaign entitled, "World War Coke and the Miracle of the Colacaust," politicians had already begun boycotting the beverage. Suddenly, a new mascot stepped forward, The Coca-Cola Polar Bear. Armed with adorable looks and the best drink in town, the Coke business was saved. Whether these CGI cuddle-snouts are sliding down an ice luge, soaring off a ski jump, or cuddling up to a box of their favorite syrup, they'll always remind us why bears are such an integral part of our world.


5. BEAR GRYLLS


Grylls is a British adventurer/motivational speaker/television presenter/certified bad-ass, best known as the host and star of "Man vs. Wild." In his 34 years on Earth, Bear has climbed Mount Everest with a broken back, rowed across the Thames naked in a homemade bathtub, crossed the north Atlantic Arctic Ocean in an open inflatable boat, paramotored over Angel Falls, paramotored over the Himalayas, created a world record for highest open-air formal dinner party in a hot air balloon, and another for longest indoor freefall.

What could possibly be next for Bear? You guessed it, drinking the Pacific Ocean.


4. THE 1985 CHICAGO BEARS

Now under the direction of former 60's tight end, Mike Ditka, the Bears were stronger than ever. Losing only one game for the season, (their unlucky 13th, against the Miami Dolphins), the '85 Bears were becoming the team to fear and proved this by crushing the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XX.

The team soon became notorious for Ditka's use of lineman "Refrigerator" Perry, (a 400 pound monster, literally), to taunt the Packers at Lambeau Field to the brink of tears. 1985 was also the year the Bears recorded their legendary novelty rap, "The Super Bowl Shuffle." The Giants tried, the Cowboys tried, even the Lions tried, but no team has ever been better than the 1985 Bears.**

**Fact


3. YOGI BEAR

Is it possible to look at a picnic basket without thinking of Jellystone's favorite grizzly? No.

Regarded simply as, "too good of a supporting character," Yogi quickly was removed from Hanna-Barbera's "Huckleberry Hound Show" and given a starring role in "The Yogi Bear Show." There he morphed into a pseudo-recreation of Art Carney's Ed Norton character from "The Honeymooners" who terrorized the campers of Jellystone Park by stealing picnic baskets and mauling children with the accompaniment of his best friend Boo Boo, girlfriend Cindy Bear, and arch rival Park Ranger Smith. Repeating a relentless four catchphrases, "I'm smarter than the average bear," "Pic-a-nic Baskets," "Hello, Mr. Ranger, sir," and "Hey, Boo Boo," throughout over 30 years of spin-offs, it is no wonder Warner Brothers announced a live action feature film scheduled for a 2011 release.


2. GUMMI BEARS


Candy makes everything better, bears are no exception. These small German gelatins typically come in five flavors, lime (green), lemon (yellow), raspberry (red), orange (orange), and pineapple (clear).

Over the course of the last century, candy companies have tried thousands of other gummi variants: worms, rings, frogs, snakes, hamburgers, cherries, cola bottles, sharks, hippos, lobsters, children, octopuses, apples, peaches, oranges, Smurfs, Spongebobs, spiders, and weapons, yet none have even come close to matching the success of the bear when it comes to candy. Well, maybe the worms...


1. SMOKEY BEAR

If you think there's a more famous bear out there you must be suffering from smoke inhalation. While we've seen bears with television shows, bear video games, bears playing football, bear sponsored drinks, bear books, and even edible bears, nothing can compare to a bear that actually prevents forest fires. Modest as he is, Smokey Bear would correct me as saying, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires," but we all know who the real hero is.

Not only has this Ad Council mascot been featured in over 120,000 separate advertisements to date, he has also had his own theme song, "Smokey the Bear," since the 50's, a stamp collection featuring his wise sayings, and even his own U.S. federal law, The Smokey Bear Act of 1952, which protects his name and image from ever being used by someone outside of the United States Forest Service. If that's not extreme, nothing ever will be.

In April 2001, Smokey's famous slogan was updated to "Only you can prevent WILDFIRES." Although his diction has been altered, his message is as clear as ever, everyone is an integral element of our society and it is with good faith and impeccable heart for the ethical that Smokey Bear is here for us. For this, Smokey warrants himself nothing lower than the number one spot on this list of the totally top ten famous bears.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

"The Incident" Review - Annex

Just some side notes on the episode since I just watched it again. Pierre Chang aka Dr. Marvin Candle aka Dr. Mark Wickmund aka Dr. Edgar Halliwax aka the guy from the orientation videos has become a prominent side character since his days as a glimpse of Dharma past in the orientation videos. Now way back when, before we met him, people on the internet would say that he never used his left hand. When the drill was being sucked down into the Swan's energy pocket, his left hand was crushed. Could this possibly be a real correlation that they implemented into the show's continuity in the second season only to wait until the fifth season until it has any real relevance. If so, holy shit. Lost writers, my hat goes off to you!

Secondly, I have been thinking hard about Jacob and his nemesis and Richard. Obviously Richard is from some subservient order of people who work for Jacob or beings as powerful as he. Now, apparently Jacob has kept Ricardous alive for much longer than he should be and Richard's people know about it. I love the mystery of it all. Now, Jacob has to be god because he is so powerful, but can't be god because Ben kills him. Right? The last thing Richard says is in Latin meaning "he who will save us" or "he who will protect us". Hm. Plus the last shot we see of doppelganger Locke is him standing over a fire as the flames fill the frame. Devil imagery? God damnit!! Pun intended.

I hate this fucking show.

Lost Season 5 Finale "The Incident" Review

Wow. What a ride! Or should I say, what? LOST finales are always jam packed with answers and questions, deaths and introductions, and a whole lot of killing, and "The Incident" did not disappoint. Some consider Season 3's finale "Through the Looking Glass" as one of the greatest episodes Lost has ever produced (of course including "Walkabout" and "The Constant"). But I must say that I thought this episode was one of the best episodes yet and the best finale thus far. I have said before that Season 5 has not had much direction with the story more about the characters than plot. I have loved how the status quo has changed. I hate Jack but I love Juliet. Last year it was the complete opposite. This season has been more of a character exploration giving us flash backs of characters we have been waiting for and digging deeper into the ones we already know about which is what we needed.

The last three episodes gave us that and more with the idea that they could reset time so that Oceanic 815 never crashed. I hate the idea that characters are going with this but it would save the lives of countless people and reverse all the heart ache and pain others have gone through. But I feel as Miles does, that they can't change anything and that they are in fact causing what they are trying to prevent.

Okay, now to the episode. It was by far the most thrilling episode to date. It had all the forward motion and drive you want from a finale and finally showed us who Jacob really was and then some. Now, the Lost execs have always said there is a reasonable explanation for everything but I am starting to have some doubts. Time travel, okay I buy it because I love it, but Jacob and this other guy, could they be God and the Devil? If this is where Lost is headed, the show is slowly slipping from science fiction to supernatural which I am not sure I am okay with. I did love how Jacob has been around watching the Losties, slowly guiding them to the island proving Locke's theory once and for all that they were brought to the island for a reason. We just don't know what that is. I love the metaphor that Jacob refered to when speaking of his tapestry and how the threads have taken forever to form the picture.

If anything, this episode has finally set the framework of the show, giving us the big players, Jacob and the other guy. Where once Widmore and Ben were the head honchos, these two immortal and powerful beings now run the show. Plus we were given tons of answers though all not clear: Locke is really dead and his body was in the mysterious box, the other survivors of Ajira are Richard's people who work for Jacob, what lies in the shadow of the statue, and who the hell Jacob is! And the last action sequence with the Swan site was jaw dropping, the fate of Juliet chilling, and the cliff hanger more ambitious than anything Lost has done. Now we have eight months until we learn some answers: did they reset everything, is Sayid alive, who is Jacob's nemesis, who and what are Richard's people, and what war is coming?

I could not ask for more in an episode. I particularly loved the scene with Jack and Sawyer which ended in a much needed brawl. Everything felt right in this episode and I was completely immersed. Yet, I am sad. Locke is defintely dead, as Faraday probably is. And if they do reset things, what the hell is season 6 about? If they don't reset things, what happens to our Losties with the highly pissed off Dharma people? Where is Desmond? How are the two groups of Losties going to unite? Arggghh!! Curse you Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindenlof!! Please sound off on your theories and thoughts. I need it. Sorry this is so lengthy.

I love this god damn show.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Rage Infused Rantings (and a Few Assorted Ravings)


I'm currently sitting at my desk in a room containing two windows. Both are open. Outside of each is a different Mexican with a different rusty harbinger of suburban sleep derivation; one to blow leaves, the other...probably to blow leaves. Fuck them both for performing their paid duties while I want to sleep late like a fussy immature child who didn't get his ba-ba last night when I explicitly asked my mother to bring it to me after Idol along with my Gorilla Grod footy pajamas and two bundles of butter toffee rice cakes.  

Having recently witnessed the vapidity  of J.J. Abrams' re-engaged Star Trek franchise, aptly titled Star Trek (#58 on imdb's top 250. Set Phasers to Who-The-Fuck-Cares), I have written a declaration of war against lazy, self described bohemian types who design loud hollywood futures (of the future!)

Joint Resolution Declaring that a state of war exists between the Imperial Citadel of LA-Based Production Designers of Massive Budgeted "Science Fictions" and the Knowledgeable Free Thinking Persons of Interweb Communications and making provision to prosecute the same.

Whereas the LA-Based Production Designers of Massive Budgeted "Science Fictions" has committed repeated acts of "glowing drinks make the world appear advanced" and "adding a random alien to a crowd scene reminds us that aliens exist in this world but we are too cheap to purchase enough prosthetics to make them believably prevalent" against the Knowledgeable Free Thinking Persons of Interweb Communications; Therefore be it resolved by the High Clerics of Cyberspace Harry Knowles, Zombo.com, and Hamster Eating Popcorn on a Piano, that a state of war between the aforementioned factions has thus been formally declared. There shan't be a film henceforth that shall parade nightclub glowsticks as viable drug substitutes or inform us that the future is being viewed due to hexagonal beds or square automobiles. Corollary to this will be the utter decimation of juvenile antics such as collegiate copulation and adolescent bullying perpetrated or targeted at already culturally respected characters (all this null and void if directed by Paul Verhoeven). And lens flares be damned! Holy shit, and what the fuck was with lines like "Tiberius? That's the worst!." I mean what the fuck were you thinking JJ you goddamn child! And Spock and Uhura, really? And that little midget rock sludge pal of Scotty's being comic relief because he likes to sit on machinery! What kind of obtuse garbage....uh...hurm... ::clears throat::...to bring the conflict to a successful termination all the resources of the country are hereby pledged by the High Clerics of Cyberspace against LA-Based Production Designers of Massive Budgeted "Science Fictions." Amen, or something.

So, anyway, Star Trek was one giant pile of silly.

Also, what's the deal with car batteries, eh?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Will the real Hal Jordan please stand up?

I know I am late on this news but I just graduated and I was intoxicated for the last week. But now I'm back in full swing of things, ready to blog my brains out. So here it goes.

Last week it was rumored that Bradley Cooper was in the running to play Hal Jordan aka Green Lantern in the titular film adaption. Now, though he may not be a well known actor, Cooper can be seen in the new movie The Hangover and Wedding Crashers - the former looking hilarious and the latter being hilarious. Back in March Star Trek's young Cap'n Kirk Chris Pine was rumored to be in running though I haven't seen him in anything and was worried about him as Hal.

Now for those of you who don't know, Hal Jordan is a hotshot pilot for the US Air Force who even after watching his father die saving hundreds of lives in a plane accident, followed in his footsteps except the dying part. Hal is cocky, arrogant, sly, funny, and above all else a daredevil, unafraid of risking his life just for the thrill. Now, I see Nathan Fillion as the perfect choice because he can carry that cocky humor and he is easy on the eyes. Girl eyes I mean. Alas, the movie execs look for youth even though most of superheroes are not all young, especially not anymore.

Now Cooper on the other hand could bring a fresh arrogance and pride to the role that would fit Hal perfectly. He is young, good looking and fairly in shape, he meets all the criteria though he would not be my first pick and I hope they take more people into consideration before choosing him. Yet, I think with the right direction, Cooper could fit into the ring quiet nicely. Plus, I trust Warner Bros. in their casting choices ever since they chose Heath and Eckhart for TDK. Either way, I am just glad that Green Lantern news is starting to come more often. I just hope the movie is as good as it could be.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Totally Top Ten: Toys I Found At Wal-Mart Today

"Toys" are indisputably an essential element of human life as they not only serve as a means of recreation, but offer a source of growth and understanding of the world we live in. While our youth use toys to discover who they are, help their bodies grow, learn basic principles of cause and effect, explore relationships, and practice skills they will need as adults, older generations use toys to decorate their homes, practice various talents, exercise their minds and bodies, and uncover layers of their very souls. The following list represents the top ten best toys at Wal-Mart as of this particular day.


10. Pass The Pigs

With the rising global panic over the H1N1 virus, "Pass The Pigs" offers a positive outlook on our friends, the swine. The game derives itself from the age-old dice game, "Pig." Players take turns throwing two pig figurines to the ground and receive various point allotments based on how the pigs land. "Snouter," "Razorback," "Oinker," maybe you'll even master the "Double Leaning Jowler," no matter what, this is one dose of swine you can't do without.



9. Kid Clock

Are you sick of telling time with that seven year old clock on your mother's nightstand? Is it a chore to turn your wrist every hour to see the time? Maybe it's time to decorate your time-telling buddy with your own artwork on the face of a large 10", acrylic, quartz analog wall clock! Your buddies will be burning the clocks off their cell phones when they see your radical "Kid Clock!"


8. EyeClops Bionic Eye

"Something BIG is going on but its too small to see with your little eyes, Timmy." "So what do I do?" "Buy an EyeClops Bionic Eye you silly little booger." The "EyeClops Bionic Eye" allows you to magnify any object up to 400x and then watch it on your television. Who needs national programming when your Eye is making the calls?


7. Nintendo DSi

Maybe you already have a Nintendo DS and you're saying to yourself, "why would I waste my money on that blasted contraption?" Guess what naysayer, you're Nintendo DS is outdated, this is the DSi era. As seen by the iPhone, iPod, and iTV, adding a lower-case "i" to things makes them much better, the DSi is no exception. This little hand held game console is now boasting its own internal camera... for pictures! You even get an extra light on the inside now, to see stuff or something! Yeah!


6. Fur Real Friends: Biscuit My Lovin Pup

Biscuit enables you to share all the wonderful experiences of a real dog, minus the mess and labor; best of all, he can't die. This robotic pooch responds to touch, begs for biscuits, (with a name like Biscuit, can you blame him), barks, wags his tail, and even listens to voice commands. It's like having your own dog... but not really at all.


5. Fitter First Pro Indo Balance Board Trainer

It's not just a skateboard without wheels, it's a skateboard without wheels on a big round thing. If you have any interest in surfing, tow surfing, skateboarding, wakeboarding, wake skating, water skiing, skimboarding, snowboarding, snow skiing, mountain boarding, sandboarding, kiteboarding, or windsurfing, the "Fitter First Pro Indo Balance Board Trainer" is something that you simply cannot live without. The Indo retails for 279.00 USD.


4. Kid Tough Portable DVD Player

Nobody gives children DVD players... nobody until, now. Fisher Price's "Kid Tough DVD Player" comes loaded in thick, reinforced, blue and pink plastic to keep your movies scratch-free and your DVD player playing. Whether your child throws coins, rocks, or feces, your movie is safe from all. The only issue of concern is the 3.2" screen which forces you to hold the device directly against your face but, a little radiation poisoning never killed anybody to my knowledge.


3. Moon Sand

What the fuck is it? It's Moon Sand! This stupid shit is amazing. Part moon, part sand, this soft Play Doh-like toy will have your cocksucker of a kid out of your hair for weeks as he creates animals, objects, and even big-ass forts. The only limit here is your little retard's imagination. Moon sand comes in an array of six different colors so make sure you pick up some paint.




2. WALL-E Laptop

What's cooler than your own personal computer? Your own personal WALL-E computer! Although the laptop lacks any internal software, external ports, and internet compatibility, your friends will be jonesing for your WALL-E after they see his five featured learning models, words, letters, math, logic, and games. Best of all, this laptop boats its own qwerty keyboard finished with three separate colors.






1. Elmo Live!

If you think you could find a better toy at Wal-Mart on the particular Wednesday, you're basically bananas. In this truly life-like creation, for the first time ever, Elmo seems to actually be speaking as his mouth opens and closes just like the real muppet, Elmo, from Sesame Street. His mannerisms are right on target as his head moves back and forth as he speaks. He waves his arms, sits and stands, even crosses his legs all the while telling stories and jokes, singing songs and playing games. Being in the presence of an Elmo Live is like spending time with your first born only fifty times more fun. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and if your lucky, you might even find the best friend and family member you've ever had. For this, Elmo Live proudly warrants itself, the top toy I found at Wal-Mart today.