This morning, Philadelphia-based independent publisher "Quirk Books" has announced the title of their third book to be released under their subdivision "Quirk Classics," and if you're like most people, this all means nothing to you.
Quirk Classics is run by a man named Jason Rekulak who might have found the easiest, cheapest, and most commercial secret to novel writing I've ever heard of. Rekulak utilizes the expansive archives of public domain libraries to find royalty-free classics to edit and re-release with a silly twist; he adds popular fanboy characters into the narrative such as ninjas, pirates, zombies, and monkeys.
You might've heard of his first release this year, "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies," as it found itself a number 3 spot on the New York Times bestseller list as well as rave reviews in nearly every other medium of book review across the country. While the text is familiar, the concept is purely original. Seth Grahame-Smith's zombie plot weaves seamlessly into Austen's classic narrative and the end result is a mashup that quenches our entertainment bone while stimulating our intellect as well. This mashup might also represent the only hope for younger generations to ever read a classic title such as this.
While I couldn't be happier with the knowledge of this book existing and finding a myriad of well deserved profit, I was disheartened to see a second Quirk Classic in the makes 2 months later, "Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters." Stop it Quirk Books, just stop it. You just made something really good and made a shit load of money and now you can't stop. Sea Monsters aren't even that popular of a fictional character. There's no Sea Monster jokes. There's no Sea Monster television shows. There's no reason for this to exist.
Before I could even digest the Sea Monsters I found on their website, a bulletin popped up for book 3, "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls." This is going too far, at this rate we're sure to see a mashup of almost every public domain classic in existence before 2012. Why are they already making a sequel to the first book? Did they run out of ideas for fan favorite mashups or did the Sea Monster idea generate such insignificant sales that they didn't have a choice? Hell, why am I writing this blog? I could be making my own Quirk Classic! Are you still reading this? Stop! Write a Quirk Classic with me, it's easy...
Step 1: Find a public domain book on the internet you like. Oh goody, "Crime and Punishment," my favorite.
Step 2: Copy and paste the entire text into a text editing program. I'll be using Microsoft Word for this experiment.
Step 3: Pick a popular and overused character genre that you enjoy. Hmmm... of course, PIRATES! Everybody likes pirates because they are funny and cool.
Step 4: (You're almost done), fuse the title of the book you chose with your character genre. Here's mine, "Crime and Punishment and Pirates."
Step 5: Now it's time for the easy part; paste your genre name over at least 50% of the nouns in the original text and if you're a stickler- you could even change the plot a little to follow whatever character you chose.
Step 6: Make money. You did it! Look how funny your title is! See? Now reap the profits you greedy fuck and sunbathe in Malibu while Fyodor Dostoyevsky rots in his dirty Russian grave.