Monday, October 1, 2012

Athletes That Look Like Ninja Turtles

First off, I hope that none of the millions of professional athletes that frequent the Machine daily take offense to this post. I write this out of the necessity to say what we are all thinking when we look at your faces on TV. I apologize if you have made the list but I'm sure if you're on the list, your parents have apologized many times over for birthing you with the face of an animatronic, mutant-humanoid teenager turtle. It would be better if they bequeathed some sort of ninja skills but I assume having the athletic prowess to play at the highest level of your respective sport makes at least a small difference. So, with that being said, here we go!

Zach Randolph - Rafael 

We'll start off with an easy one: Zach Randolph as Rafael. Not only does Zebow resemble the oft alienated brother of the Turtles, but when he was a Trail Blazer and he wore that red head band, it was almost like he was dressing up as Raf. He could have pulled in down a few inches and revealed that he had pre-cut holes into it before the game. Then he could pull out his homemade sai's and stab some fans. The guy has showed that Rafael and he have somewhat of the same attitude problem. He has flipped off fans before which is very Rafael-like. I mean, look at this:

Look at the athleticism! The form! God, if Zebow had to take on two dozen of the Foot, I'd like to think he'd go down swinging.

Al Harrington as Leonardo 

What else does Al Harrington bring to Orlando after the blockbuster trade for Dwight Howard other than $20+ million in the next three years and a whopping 12.9 points per game? The classy yet sleek good looks of the unsung leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Leonardo. The 32 year old vet has all the makings of a leader with his stoic poise and razor sharp katanas that he keeps in his locker. Even TNT thought that he looks enough like a Ninja Turtle to air this:

Sorry, bro. Accept it and move on.

Nhamdi Asomugha as Michelangelo

This one is a bit of a stretch but if you've seen Nhamdi Asomugha enough on the television than you can see what I'm talking about. The guy is young, full of energy, and probably parties his wang right off much like Michelangelo. Though, did the Ninja Turtles have wangs? I mean, we would have been able to see them if they did since they  never wore pants, right? But that just shows how much of a f*ck they could give. Anyway Nhamdi just seems to me to embody Michelangelo perfectly. Plus they have the same face/love of pizza/ability to do a back flip.

Russel Westbrook as Donatello

I saved Russel for last mainly because his resemblance to a Ninja Turtle is UNCANNY. And it's all about the eyes, the way they move. It almost looks like motors are inside his animatronic skull. Like it's not just me right? The guy looks exactly like a Ninja Turtle. I assign him Donatello because they both has the same facial expressions and because Donatello is the only one left. But Russel embodies everything that the Turtles are. He's young, reckless, athletic and likes to hotdog it. And his acrobatic like movement around the court could only come from the teachings of:

Best in Show 2011 Winner, Hickory, the Scottish Deerhound as Splinter

Hey, if golfers are athletes, then dogs are athletes! And ole Hickory here is a dead on match for Splinter. Yeah, they do resemble each other but we all remember what he did to his competition back in 2011. Not only did he decimate the competition but he made the judges do a back flip as the show was rolling the credits and shouted, "I made another funny! Hahahaha!"

Honorable Mention: the NHL as Casey Jones

Anyone that you think is a better Turtle? Let me know!!

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