If there is anything better than bad action movies, it's when they are re-edited and dubbed for TV. We all know that a good action movie has machine gun clips full of swear words and grenade impact like vulgarity. So I give credit to the poor suckers who are sanctioned to put the editing bandage over a wounded film. And I use the term film loosely mind you. Now the thing I do not understand is their choice of dubbed dialogue last makes it's way on to syndicated television.
This is't the editors fault, and I can't even say it's the writer's fault because I'm sure he or she has nothing to do with the butchery that their perfectly crafted grunts, mumbles and groans have to go through to be shown on cable TV. So whoever it is out there that writes the dub dialogue must either be having a great laugh at our and the filmmaker's expense, or they must be paid in Skittles.
Now I'd like to share with you my Top 5 Funniest Movie Dubs for TV. This list has been done all over the internet but I've always wanted to be behind the wheel on this Top 5 list. So here you are!
#5 - Die Hard 2: Die Harder - "Yippee Kay Yay, Mr. Falcon!"
If you haven't heard of this one at some point in your life than you're dead inside. It comes at the end of Die Hard 2 when a plane full of terrorists are getting away, John McClane lights a line of gasoline with his Zippo and says his famous catchphrase as the gasoline ignites all the way to the plane where is explodes. (Quick side note, with the way the gas was pouring out of the plane, they would never have made it to their destination so the gasoline stream lighting wasn't necessary.) But not only did they change his line, they took every sense of bad-assery from it and made it hilarious/meaningless. Mr. Falcon?!?! In what country/time period is that an insult?!
#4 - Robocop - "Ironbutt, bone head. Once I even called him...airhead."
Jump to 3:14 in the video to see what I'm talking about. The way that this line is delivered give it a sinister weight that is just sapped away with the edited dub. I mean the timing is still there and they didn't have to change Ironbutt because that already sounded like a edit, but this sounds completely ridiculous. I've never in my life been called an airhead but if I ever did, I don't think it would arouse even the remotest response in me. Now, if you called me Ironbutt I'd probably take it as a compliment.
#3 - Snakes on a Plane - "I'm had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!"
I didn't see this one until recently but when I did I had to ask myself, what have I been doing my whole life. Not only is the original line ridiculous, and not only is the new line ridiculous, but is Sam "Monkey Fightin" Jackson! The puzzling thing though is that it sounds like Sam did the dub himself which leaves me to wonder how he would ever allow one of his lines, especially one he is famous for, to be bastardized into one of the most ridiculous sentences to ever be crafted. UNLESS, it was Sam's idea. I could totally see him watching into the recording studio with his sunglasses on, going right into the booth and shouting, "Roll it!" And then blurting out THAT gem.
#2 - The Big Lebowski - "You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!"
At least in the other dubbed quotes, the new line could somehow be related to the original. Even though they were stretches in some cases, there was some semblance of continuity laced in the absurdity. Not with this one. The original John Goodman line is, "You see what happens when you f*ck a stranger in the ass!" Now the new line totally changes the meaning of what is happening in the story. If you just turned the movie on you would be wondering the sh*t is going on?! They found a stranger in the Alps? WHAT?!
#1 - Die Hard 2: Die Harder - "Yippee Kay Yay, Melon Farmer!"
Unfortunately I wasn't able to find this video because it has always been my top edited for TV line. It happens somewhere in Die Hard 2 where John McClane says his catchphrase but with the new ending. Again, not only is it destroying the coolness of the line but it makes no sense. Melon farmer? Is that even a thing? Are their melon farms somewhere? And if not, why did they use this/how did they come up with it? I almost don't want to know.
Any I missed? Let's hear it!