Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Totally Top Ten: Toys I Found At Wal-Mart Today

"Toys" are indisputably an essential element of human life as they not only serve as a means of recreation, but offer a source of growth and understanding of the world we live in. While our youth use toys to discover who they are, help their bodies grow, learn basic principles of cause and effect, explore relationships, and practice skills they will need as adults, older generations use toys to decorate their homes, practice various talents, exercise their minds and bodies, and uncover layers of their very souls. The following list represents the top ten best toys at Wal-Mart as of this particular day.

10. Pass The Pigs

With the rising global panic over the H1N1 virus, "Pass The Pigs" offers a positive outlook on our friends, the swine. The game derives itself from the age-old dice game, "Pig." Players take turns throwing two pig figurines to the ground and receive various point allotments based on how the pigs land. "Snouter," "Razorback," "Oinker," maybe you'll even master the "Double Leaning Jowler," no matter what, this is one dose of swine you can't do without.

9. Kid Clock

Are you sick of telling time with that seven year old clock on your mother's nightstand? Is it a chore to turn your wrist every hour to see the time? Maybe it's time to decorate your time-telling buddy with your own artwork on the face of a large 10", acrylic, quartz analog wall clock! Your buddies will be burning the clocks off their cell phones when they see your radical "Kid Clock!"

8. EyeClops Bionic Eye

"Something BIG is going on but its too small to see with your little eyes, Timmy." "So what do I do?" "Buy an EyeClops Bionic Eye you silly little booger." The "EyeClops Bionic Eye" allows you to magnify any object up to 400x and then watch it on your television. Who needs national programming when your Eye is making the calls?

7. Nintendo DSi

Maybe you already have a Nintendo DS and you're saying to yourself, "why would I waste my money on that blasted contraption?" Guess what naysayer, you're Nintendo DS is outdated, this is the DSi era. As seen by the iPhone, iPod, and iTV, adding a lower-case "i" to things makes them much better, the DSi is no exception. This little hand held game console is now boasting its own internal camera... for pictures! You even get an extra light on the inside now, to see stuff or something! Yeah!

6. Fur Real Friends: Biscuit My Lovin Pup

Biscuit enables you to share all the wonderful experiences of a real dog, minus the mess and labor; best of all, he can't die. This robotic pooch responds to touch, begs for biscuits, (with a name like Biscuit, can you blame him), barks, wags his tail, and even listens to voice commands. It's like having your own dog... but not really at all.

5. Fitter First Pro Indo Balance Board Trainer

It's not just a skateboard without wheels, it's a skateboard without wheels on a big round thing. If you have any interest in surfing, tow surfing, skateboarding, wakeboarding, wake skating, water skiing, skimboarding, snowboarding, snow skiing, mountain boarding, sandboarding, kiteboarding, or windsurfing, the "Fitter First Pro Indo Balance Board Trainer" is something that you simply cannot live without. The Indo retails for 279.00 USD.

4. Kid Tough Portable DVD Player

Nobody gives children DVD players... nobody until, now. Fisher Price's "Kid Tough DVD Player" comes loaded in thick, reinforced, blue and pink plastic to keep your movies scratch-free and your DVD player playing. Whether your child throws coins, rocks, or feces, your movie is safe from all. The only issue of concern is the 3.2" screen which forces you to hold the device directly against your face but, a little radiation poisoning never killed anybody to my knowledge.

3. Moon Sand

What the fuck is it? It's Moon Sand! This stupid shit is amazing. Part moon, part sand, this soft Play Doh-like toy will have your cocksucker of a kid out of your hair for weeks as he creates animals, objects, and even big-ass forts. The only limit here is your little retard's imagination. Moon sand comes in an array of six different colors so make sure you pick up some paint.

2. WALL-E Laptop

What's cooler than your own personal computer? Your own personal WALL-E computer! Although the laptop lacks any internal software, external ports, and internet compatibility, your friends will be jonesing for your WALL-E after they see his five featured learning models, words, letters, math, logic, and games. Best of all, this laptop boats its own qwerty keyboard finished with three separate colors.

1. Elmo Live!

If you think you could find a better toy at Wal-Mart on the particular Wednesday, you're basically bananas. In this truly life-like creation, for the first time ever, Elmo seems to actually be speaking as his mouth opens and closes just like the real muppet, Elmo, from Sesame Street. His mannerisms are right on target as his head moves back and forth as he speaks. He waves his arms, sits and stands, even crosses his legs all the while telling stories and jokes, singing songs and playing games. Being in the presence of an Elmo Live is like spending time with your first born only fifty times more fun. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and if your lucky, you might even find the best friend and family member you've ever had. For this, Elmo Live proudly warrants itself, the top toy I found at Wal-Mart today.


  1. Pass the Pigs is SUCH an amazing game!!!! I have it- we should play some time!!! - Julia

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  3. Amazing article. Brilliant to the enth degree.