Monday, August 13, 2012

Chris Nolan’s Batman Can’t Keep a Secret: Why Nolan's Batman couldn’t possibly exist in the real world

I don’t think that I am alone in saying that Chris Nolan’s Batman trilogy is the greatest super hero franchise of all time. There are super hero movies and then there are Chris Nolan’s masterpieces. I truly doubt that any comic book movie will ever come close to the critical success that these films have seen and I don’t think The Dark Knight will ever be topped. I’ve said before that walking out of these films, I have felt like I could be Batman. The world that Chris Nolan created for these films is one in the same that we inhabit. The mythology of the Batman has been reconstructed into such a plausible idea that it doesn’t even feel like a super hero movie anymore. That gritty realism is tangible and truly makes for an uncanny experience.

Now this being said, the Bruce Wayne in Chris Nolan’s trilogy lacks one think that a hyper-realistic super hero should possess; the ability to keep a secret! When you think about it, a lot of people know that Bruce Wayne is Batman throughout the trilogy, and their trustworthy-ness varies drastically from one person to the next. Here is my breakdown:

1.) Alfred Pennyworth                                                 Trustworthy-ness: Good

Who better to start with than the man who helped Bruce create the Batman? Alfred has been there through thick and thin with Bruce and thus was the first one to be in on the secret of Batman. Bruce is like a son to Alfred and he loves him

Reason for Concern:
Not that I think Alfred would ever talk, but he did tell Bruce that Rachel chose Harvey over him. Now it was an attempt to stop Bruce from donning the cowl any more but the fact that he could let such a monumental secret like that out of the bag proves that in his old age, Alfred has the potential to let the secret slip.

2.) Rachel Dawes                                                         Trustworthy-ness: Moot, she’s dead.

Listen, I don’t blame Bruce. If the girl of my dreams thought I was a complete tool as my secret identity, I wouldn’t be able to contain myself at the opportunity to let it my true identity spill if I was in a bad-ass costume that I beat the shit out of criminals in right before saving the entire city. I mean, anything I’d done in the past – including almost killing a dude – would be washed away, right? 

Reason for Concern:

3.) Commissioner Gordon                                             Trustworthy-ness: Uncertain

Now, Commissioner Gordon is Batman’s closest ally when it comes to fighting crime. He is the sentinel of justice that Batman could never be for Gotham and even if he new Bruce’s secret before the end of the third film, I don’t believe he would ever give him up.

Reason for Concern:
But again, Gordon finds out so late in the trilogy that we don’t even know how he would deal with it. Think about it; a broken down, beaten and retired cop, working with a shitty pension and a tarnished image (see: Bane’s reveal about the Dent Act), who knows what he might do to make a buck on the side. Commissioner Gordon memoirs, anybody? The Batman and Me: And How A Little Eye Make-Up and Voice Alterations Can Fool You by James Gordon.

4.) Lucius Fox                                                              Trustworthy-ness: Solid

Without Lucius Fox, there is no Batman. Period. Bruce would be dead somewhere in an alley with bullet holes in his spandex. But Lucius never actually says that he knows Bruce and Batman are the same person. He alludes to it constantly but never goes, “Hey Batman, I know you’re Bruce. I gotchu playa.” Lucius’ motivations are never really fleshed out but he seems to always want to help save the city in any way he can.

Reason for Concern:
Honestly, like I said before the guy never says anything about Bruce being Batman EVER. That doesn’t sit well with me. I mean, for all we know Lucius could be Hush or Mr. Freeze behind that cool and collected, salt and pepper goatee.

5.) John Blake                                                              Trustworthy-ness: TBD

John Blake shows up on Bruce’s doorstep, spirits broken, ready to confront Bruce about being Batman. He never threatens him about the secret, he just tells Bruce he knows he is Batman and that the city needs him. Ultimately, John will take up the mantle of Batman so I do not really question his trustworthy-ness but….

Reason for Concern:
…the guy FUCKING FIGURED OUT HE WAS BATMAN WHEN HE WAS A CHILD JUST FROM LOOKING AT BRUCE. I mean, this should send up a warning flag all across Wayne Manor that maybe Bruce needs to be a little bit more secretive since he is a real life super hero!

6.) Coleman Reese                                                       Trustworthy-ness: Questionable

Not much is known about Coleman Reese, other than the fact that he figured out Batman and Bruce Wayne were one in the same from doing a little digging into Wayne Enterprises’ books! I mean come on, the IRS would have probably figured it out in a few years anyway! This bring me back to a hole in the Chris Nolan Bat-chise; think of the factory worker(s) that worked on the Tumbler. Wouldn’t they recognize Batman using the same vehicle on TV?

"Hey, Jeff, aint that that tank you worked on in the factory downtown, on the news?"

"Na, bro. It looks the same but I doubt its the exact same one. We couldn't get the rocket jumping bridging to work right so we scrapped it. NO WAY, no how that's the same one."

"Oh okay. Let's turn the Lions game back on."

Reason for Concern:
I mean the guy did try to go on national television and spill the beans, what’s to stop him from doing it again? I say, Batman tells Catwoman about this and she rolls up in the Batpod to deliver a rocket to Coleman Reese’s chest. It worked with Bane.

7.) Selina Kyle                                                  Trustworthy-ness: Doesn’t Matter

Yeah, Selina finds out Bruce is Batman when she betrays him by bringing him to Bane but come on! DAT BUTT! I don’t care how many times I got my back broken and thrown in a prison pit to die, any chance to be near Anne Hathaway in skin tight, butt-popping latex, I’m down!

Reason for Concern:
Da butt.

8.) Bane                                                                       Trustworthy-ness: Strong

So you may question why I categorize Bane as strong when it comes to trustworthy-ness, but think about it. The guy new who Batman was the entire time but instead spent countless hours of preparation setting up bombs around the city and planning out an attack on the stock market and stealing a nuclear bomb. He could have just rolled up to Wayne Manor in a tumbler and blown Bruce to hell at anytime. Now THAT’S keeping a secret!

Reason for Concern:
Other than the fact that Bane is a maniac, I’m concerned about all the henchmen he had in that dig site under Wayne Enterprises. They all heard him call Batman “Mr. Wayne”. I mean, unless their all dead, there’s got to be like 500 sociopaths running around Gotham/the World that know Bruce is Batman. Just saying.

9.) The Al Ghul Family/League of Shadows                   Trustworthy-ness: Ironclad

Just like Bane, the Al Ghul family knows how to keep a secret in order to exact revenge on Bruce Wayne and Gotham. Both of the Al Ghul’s reveals that they are Al Ghul’s shows how Al Ghood they can keep a secret. I mean, the League of Shadows is a secret organization that has sacked and pillaged the most powerful cities in human history! Need I say more?

Reason for Concern:
So Ra’s, Talia, Ken Watanabe, and countless other assassins know that Bruce Wayne became Batman. That’s a lot of people. I know a lot of them probably died when Bruce blew up their HQ but still…their assassins! It’s their job to escape shit and live to fight another day. Too many loose ends if you ask me.

10.) Joffrey Baratheon                                      Trustworthy-ness: NON-EXISTANT

IMDB has him credited as “Little Boy” in Batman Begins but we all know him as the Joffrey Baratheon. I don’t care about the name of the actor who plays him, I just know that this mother fucker is vile and bad to the bone. He is the embodiment of pure evil and has unleashed war on all of Westeros when he killed my beloved Ned Stark!!!!

Reason for Concern:
Way back in Batman Begins, Batman is snooping around in the Narrows when the young, incestuous fucker sticks his abnormally large head in other people’s business. Batman, feeling nice that day, gives the putrid, bug-eyed child his tele/para-scope and disappears into the night. This kid now has evidence in his hand to bring down the fall of Batman/Bruce Wayne and secure the Iron Throne for himself. Batman, you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself! Remember: a Lannister always pays his debts!

Winter is coming.

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